Over the next three weeks, I will learn to connect with the flow of my life force—a powerful current that will guide, transform, and awaken me to my true self. By focusing on this energy, which could also be called Reiki, I will be meditating in order to do some deep spirit digging.
I will work on breaking blockages that are limiting me in the present. I will work on confronting deep seated opinions and self-criticisms, in order to truly LIVE. But most of all, I hope to learn how to be in the NOW, and accept that life is all about change.
I have completed many of these 21-day challenges before, and I can only say that you will come to look at yourself differently, with more compassion. You will come to find time for self-care and nurturance. You will come to talk more about life’s biggest issues, and confront some old self-opinions that may no longer serve you.
I promise though, it will all be for the better. Progress in any area of life can be difficult, but there are no shortcuts, no easier road than the one of self-discovery.
The flow of life is composed of various streams of energy . . . our impulses for security, happiness, power, love, creativity, insight, and self-actualization all move together to form our unique life expression. In living this expression, we find our flow—the universal rhythm within that is the infinite source of joy, balance, harmony, and love. We begin our journey by establishing our core sense of security as the stable basis for all the growth to come.- Deepak & Oprah
4/14/14 Journal Day 1: Finding Security
Centering thought: My security and peace are within. | Mantra: Lam. “I am security.”
Like so many people, I have always struggled with insecurity. And why is that?
“Security represents your sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem, your basic personal strength or lack of it.” —Stephen Covey
It probably stems from being a cultural outsider in every sense of the term. I was an eccentric kid, with a high pitched voice, who wore his heart on his sleeve, who happened to like other boys.
That right there painted a giant capital “F” on my back since early adolescence. Sure, once it became popular for people to have a gay friend, it became easier, but the real reason was because my family failed to really see me. To love me. To really teach me about life. To hone my talent. My parents were young and had no idea what they were doing, so I can’t blame them too much, however, they did leave the job up to others in their circle, who were always very encouraging and loving, but it lacked the flavour that can only come from one’s own parents.
I was only told what NOT to do. My hands were slapped when they were limp. My mouth was washed out with soap when I spoke up against their rules. I was systematically taught to suppress my natural state, and was even ostracized from the community, by the community, the baseball team, and was kept away from the world, as shame descended on my parents for having a gay son no matter how smart, good looking, or artistically talented.
Needless to say, insecurity played, and to some extent still does play, a big part in my life. It is something I work on every day, ironically, because I spend so much time building others up, I rarely do it for myself.
Needless to say, too, I also snuck out when I could, and then drank a bit too much alcohol when I could.
It seems that now more than ever, it is time for me to treat myself the way I treat my clients, my friends, and my sibling. With love. With affection. With enough self-worth to put my needs first before those of my lover/companion.
That may be the reason why my relationships in the past have failed, including attracting broken puppies who did nothing but walk all over me with muddied paws. I drew that type of guy to me, because that is what I knew. I grew to expect disappointment. Over the last several weeks, I have been digging deep. Conversing with my subconscious, dissecting my own patterns of behaviour, so that I no longer have to repeat it.
By reclaiming my own inner power, my own wild and neglected spirit; I am taking my life into my own hands. Outside of “what if this makes him angry?” “No, I can’t do that because they would think I’m unstable, selfish, crazy, or insane.”
Gone are those days.
The road of reclaiming personal power is a hard choice to make, but an essential one if you are not to shrivel up and die. You have to make a detour off the starving path of the soul, and surrender the pretense.
I have the security to know that I am strong. That I am safe. That I will never be abused again. Not by anyone, especially my Self. That my values and morals are not something to be trampled on. That my love is not a commodity to have now while you may want it. I’m not a toy, nor should I be used like one for people’s own sick pleasure. I am secure in myself enough to take a stand for myself, for my heart, for my mind, body, and soul.
I am strong. Lam. I am safe. Lam. I am secure. Lam.
“It’s time to get up, stand up, no matter how homemade your platform, and live the most you can, the best you can, and forgo the sneaking of counterfeits and hold out for what has real meaning and health for you.” -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
4/15/14 Journal Day 2: Finding Happiness
Centering thought: I am the source of unlimited happiness. | Mantra: Yam. “I am happiness.”
Modern life is full of ups and downs. In being human, we are subject to the many whims of others, whose actions directly or indirectly impact our mood, our hearts, and our energy.
This is a hard topic for me today to swallow wholeheartedly.
Because, as a healer, there is so much out there that impacts me, or rather that I allow to impact me. To feel is to be human, and removing one’s Self out of that equation is hard for me to be okay with. The last thing I want to do is be a robot.
But, a wise man told me today, that here Deepak is talking more about contentment, than the ecstatic superficial joy that society equates to being happy. By embracing our joy, our own inner desires, and following that bliss towards our happiness, we won’t be so easily swayed by other’s negativity.
We won’t be so easily impacted, so that our energy centers and aura remain stable yet ever flowing. In this way you will be able to pull others into your bliss, and not be swept up in their storm.
Easier said than done.
However, if we focus on the things we do that bring us joy. The beauty that is all around us that remind us of this happiness. If we do not worry so much, and do not forget that everything happens for a reason, and that there is a lesson to be learned. We can detach, look on with compassion, and be thankful for the Universe’s wisdom and sometimes comedic acts.
So, what brings you joy? What inside of you brings a smile to your face?
Don’t focus on others so much making you happy. We can’t depend on others to provide us with everything we need at every moment of the day. It isn’t fair to them, nor is it fair to us. (This doesn’t excuse them for being insensitive or malicious however.)
Wild nature teaches that we meet challenges as they occur. When wolves are badgered, they don’t say, “Oh, no! Not again!” They bound, pounce, run, dive, scramble, play dead, go for the throat, whatever needs to be done. So we cannot be shocked that there is entropy, deterioration, hard times. Let us understand that the issues that entrap [our] joy will always shift and shape-change, but in our own wild nature we find absolute stamina, the necessary libido for all necessary acts of heart. -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
In this same way we must approach love. To find love. You must be love. You must love yourself first. Therefore, to find happiness, embrace happiness. Embrace your joy. Your path. Your desire. And be grateful.
This is such a revolutionary idea for me, because I often make choices in such a way that I take into account how my partner will be impacted. I go out of my way, to not step on any toes. However, this has meant to not move in any direction at all. There has to be balance in our lives, and in our choices. Especially when our happiness is at stake, when our soul’s nourishment is at stake. As healers, we must be in a way healthfully selfish, yet not be inconsiderate. It certainly is not easy, but with responsibility and with faith in our hopes, our dreams and aspirations can come to fruition if you are willing to take a chance and go for it. In trusting the grace of the Universe we can only hope that it will all work out and cause untold joy for ourselves, for our partners, and for our families, pets, friends, and the planet.
Yam. I smile. Yam. I am joyful. Yam. I am happiness. Whatever needs to happen.
“Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.” —Denis Waitley