Journey towards Avalon

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In Arthurian Legend, King Arthur is taken to Avalon to await his higher destiny.

He goes to heal his terminal wounds because there, magick flows through the waters of rivers and streams, through the air on the scent of thousands of apple blossoms. It is in the leaves of grass, in the buds on stems, in the eyes & hearts of all who dwell there. There, is a place of healing, of great transformation, of ancient knowledge known only today as legend. For some, it is simply an island lost to mist and time. For others, it is where anyone with a true heart can go and sleep the long dark night of the soul. Going there is a sacred pilgrimage, or spiritual sojourn: a retreat away from the world that we know and then ultimately, knew.

Going to Avalon can be a tricky thing for a young unproven shaman. There, one takes a shamanic journey, a voyage or Imramma. Traveling in trance, delving deeply into your own psyche can be both a wondrous and dangerous undertaking no matter how necessary.

So, with that being said, and I think that, you, dear reader, know where this is going.

With this year’s focus on taking a step back from all the constant go-go-go and drama connected to it, I feel deeply at my core this need to get back to my Self.

This last year, marked a very important year for me. I started my own business, reclaimed my heart from a horrible breakup, went under the knife for the first time ever, and yes, also made a few choice decisions that cost me even more heartbreak, but also was a time of release. There has been much
heartbreak that goes so much deeper than is proper to put out there, but at my core, I still believe that everything happens for a reason.

Like I said, it was a year of great transition, for both myself and my family. I have come a long way in terms of what society would have me do. I have a nicer apartment now, I have a nice car, I have an amazing boyfriend, and I still have a job. But readers, that yearning to walk away from it all has never been that far away. The “Call of the Trees” is what I call it, that deep craving to delve deeper than material wealth.

Is fear at the heart of it? Is it me just wanting to run away from my problems? Yes, perhaps, but only partially. I think everyone wishes that they could just give up and start a new life somewhere else from time to time. I would be a complete liar if I said that it was not a part of my reasoning to run away into the woods. To live off the map, away from the world of Facebook, Tumblr, Pinterest and Twitter. Away from a thousand watching eyes, and opinions, sticking their two-sense in, whether or not it is purely curiosity, being concerned, or just trying to keep up with the Jones’.

Yes, my family has completely been torn apart. My psyche has been completely torn from what people would call “normal-reality.” But, I have always been one to be on the outskirts of society, amongst the freethinkers and free-hearted. A lot can be attributed to my upbringing, or non-upbringing. In effect, I raised myself and my sister, with an abusive alcoholic, and antisocial melodramatic. Of that said family, I think it was necessary though for my destiny to come into effect. I’m a firm believer that we do choose our families as either tests or rewards for a previous life’s worth. Whatever my case may be, my parents have finally parted their ways. To grow or to stay cold and empty is their own decision now, whether or not  they choose to allow themselves and the one’s around them to be happy.

It’s ironic and a bit of an oxymoron to call what we had a family to begin with. Because for me, it never even existed in the first place, which is a hard thing to say.
I think it is safe to say though, that they just were not ready to be parents. And that is alright. Many who have children are not “ready,” but they do make an effort over the course of their decade. Somewhere along the way however, they lost their effort. And it was for that reason why I was isolated and kept from living as a child, and thrown into indentured servitude, until
ultimately I escaped- to do nothing but leave my sister behind, which has always caused be tremendous guilt. And I hope she doesn’t resent me for it, even though I am sure she has at one point, even if she would never own up to it. Because, the facts remain:

I moved once and it wasn’t far enough. So I went almost 200 miles away to get away from the constant bickering, fighting, and small minded family, that had no sense of actual community, no sense of kindness for anyone other than
themselves. Over the last 5 years, my father visited me once, my
sister and mother, twice. And why is that? Did I push them away as I always do to the people I call family who then just go and hurt me where is the hardest? Perhaps, but I know now that I can’t keep beating myself up for the things that I had to do to be safe, and to be happy.

Now, I am posed with moving 250 miles further, which begs to reason
that I will never see them again, unless I take the time to go. Whether or not I choose to go home again for the
holidays or not. This past year, was odd, but it was easier than I thought it would be.

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The truth of the matter, dear friends, is that I have come to a bit of a nexus.  A bit of a cross-roads where an Imramma would not only give me different insight, but also a chance to focus on me for a change. Because,

  1. I work 50+ hours a week- cram packed within the first 4 days Sunday-Wednesday for an agency that is falling apart that does nothing to build morale.
  2. My job puts me in a position where I could be called-in at any moment, no matter where I am, no matter who I am with and people call in or do not show up all the time because there is no sense of consequence nor responsibility.
  3. Even still, I don’t make that much money, to the point of which I live paycheck to paycheck.
  4. My boyfriend of 7 months lives 250 miles away, which puts me on a tight budget even further.
  5. This leaves me with very little time to spend time with friends, who also have opposite work schedules, and who also have their own need for free time.
  6. My roommates are incorrigible to the point of consistently not paying bills, always leaving mountains of dirty dishes, garbage and pot paraphernalia out for all guest & clients to see. To the point now where I don’t bring clients home because it always smells.  And don’t get me started on the FOUR cats that live with us.
  7. Taking care of all these people (at work & home) interferes with my life; both in work and my love life. All of this is running its toll on me to the point where I do not make time for myself anymore. I do not write as much as I would like, I hardly meditate. Because if one part of life is out of harmony, normally it effects all the other aspects as well.

BUT there is still a stubbornness in me that refuses to give up. However,  

  • I am having a hard time finding a different job after applying to so many different positions, I’ve lost count.
  • I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that a great friendship of mine was almost lost, and is still on the fritz.
  • I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that the family I have created here, are afraid for me to leave and don’t want to see me get hurt as a result of all the drama that has surrounded my relationship.
  • I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I never finished my college degree program, which also limits the job market.
  • And what spare time I do have, I use writing & photography as my artistic outlet, and work on my own holistic practice where I help others through their hardships and attempt to be a beckon of harmony and light to-boot. Haha, I so notice and see the hypocrisy. How can I even manage to do that, when I cant even manage my own life?

Segway to one hell of an existential breakdown of the spirit.

I am having this falling feeling, because if all of this is happening for a reason, I am losing hope in that it will eventually be okay that I will only have to deal a bit longer. Where are the normal signs that I can usually pick up on? And of the signs that I am being given, what the heck do they mean?

Very few of my friends publicly encourage my holistic & pagan lifestyle and business, and one happens to be across the country, whom I’ve been saying I would go visit, but still just haven’t. I sense a cycle in the force.

I am my own worst enemy. Without a base chakra to fall back on, my whimsy has kept me afloat for all these years. I have lived in books, in the land of magick, because it has been an escape from the chaotic world we
allow ourselves to live in. Because we allow other people to dictate our own happiness. Because the only time we seem to be able to pull together as a species is when we ourselves need help (i.e. Medicaid, Medicare, natural disaster) or war: a natural disaster within itself purely to promote an agenda and sphere of influence, or where there is money to be made. People have gotten into the fashion of surrounding themselves with different groups of friends, friends for just “play” drinking their worries away, their own form of escape and self-medication, and those friends who can “better their lives” either through clout, station, or position. Which frankly just sickens me, because when we were young, we didn’t worry about such things, we only cared if a person bullied us or gave us a smile.

What is wrong with a whimsical world where people come together as true friends, without a selfish-agenda, and come together for a common good? A common interest that isn’t all about power or ego?

All I know is that my life feels like it is falling apart, and it seems like I have no way out. I am looking to the horizon with a hope to begin anew, with no destination in sight. I’m working on getting a job closer to where my boyfriend is, because of the signs I am being given, all of them are pushing me away. Of all that can be found, I apply for, but so far, there haven’t been any call-backs. It’s just very discouraging.

What more, like I said, there are those who haven’t wanted my boyfriend and I to be together, from the get-go. Other people have made an already hard situation, a long-distance relationship, even more harder by playing games, sticking their noses in matters that do not concern them, and making small matters into supernovas. This is on both fronts, ex-stalkers of mine and a friend, and a friend also of his. And we have surpassed it all. I just hope there wont be any more hurdles to jump over, and there probably will be, and I know we will get through them, but the prospect of it all is a bit much.

Hopefully, with time, they will see that they are just being silly and that their anger is being misguided.
Hopefully, with time they will see that their anger isn’t anger at all, but is love that just doesn’t know how to say good-bye.
Hopefully, with time, I will have my friend back. Because I want her back, and I want her to know that I am trying. That I do love her, and that I want her to be happy.

Hopefully, once all of the above gets fixed.

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And how am I to get it all fixed?

I think it should start with forgiveness, one of the many things one finds on a spiritual journey.
And I think I have to start with forgiving myself most of all.

Forgiving myself for leaving home.

Forgiving myself for pushing people away.

Forgiving myself for not going after the things that I have for so long wanted.

For having such high expectations, and aspiring to be like leaders who have had a lifetime, if not several, to get their lives together, have vision, go for it, and work hard to get to the place they are through many years of accreditation, and building a life for themselves that they can now share with the world. And I have to ask myself, where were they at the age of 25? How did they get to where they are now? Getting caught up in my expectations without a plan or vision of such aspirations has suffocated my life. My creative spirit has been silenced, because I am spending so much time worrying about what everyone else is doing, my own juices have been put to a hault.

I need to reclaim that one thing that makes me, me. Granted I have my poetry, and my desire to help others. But I need to set things up and make a plan for myself to get to the level of such teachers as Mary Greer, Joanna Powell Colbert, James Wells and Caitlin Matthews.

Learn from them, yes, because they are fabulous teachers and guides. But like I have said, I am my own worst enemy, and there comes a time where one must strike out on his own and find that thing that will make him unique, where he wont be so caught up in the could-bes, and focus on the here-and-now.

I continue to look up to these great leaders and teachers, because without them I would not be where I am today had it not been for them. They have dedicated their lives in connection to the Earth and its mysteries, which is a wonderful thing to aspire to, but I can’t expect to get there overnight, nor in one turn of the moon. Life ebbs and flows and is not always rainbows and pots of gold. Sometimes it can be, but other times it has to be dark. Sometimes it has to be like a sapling that needs to be taken care of and tended to with love so it can eventually grow into a great and beautiful juniper.

What I need is perspective and a time of great insight to forge ahead.

What I need is to cut myself from the world of the constant barrage of voices, so that I may hear my own voice call out from the deep crystal caves of olde.

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So, dear friends, this is where I make some affirmations to myself:

“In practice and devotion, I become one with the sky and sea. In finding grace & balance, I form serenity. In ignoring the discomfort of my position, I find harmony with a deeper vision. I will let go, and let Goddess. Being in control is mostly an illusion. In times of pause, and reversal, I access greater wisdom. I still my inner noise and surrender. I find my center and am not afraid. Do not force things to receive gifts of enlightenment, divinity, and unconditional love. I will surely find serenity in surrendering my life to the Great Mystery.” – Joanna Powell Colbert’s Gaian Tarot Tree Card (12)

“Through confronting my pain and enduring my wounds, wisdom comes. I cross the lake to the island of healing and protection. I illuminate the shadows of my inner Life. I see things reflected as they truly are. I surrender my will, listen to my soul, and allow my spirit to be healed. The journey begins now- a time to be patient. I begin my sleep into the unknown, to rest on a spiritual sojourn. Now hence begins the long dark night of the soul.”. – Mark Ryan, John Matthews & Will Worthington’s Wild Wood Tarot Mirror Card (12)

And so, this is where I say my fair wells  to the realms of Facebook, Twitter, and the like. It is time for me to cross the waters, and truly find my self. If you wish, I may still be reached via phone, email, or commenting on this blog. I will be posting solely here from time to time, and with any luck it will be my best work yet. Because I have some ironing-out to do. I may be having a quarter-life crisis if you want to call it that, but I can’t keep complaining about it hoping it will get better. No more dwelling! It’s time to sail through the mists…

May my sweet retreat time bathe my soul in moon-light, in star-light, in quiet-light;
as I halt, wait, sleep- to be called forth when I am needed again.
It’s time to leave, let go, and let be.
As I take this time I pause, and wash my soul in silence.
May the winds blow in my favour as I pause, and listen to the whispers of the wind.

The answer is there, right in front of me. I will walk, and swing, and dance back and forth with grace, and find my inner peace in the face of adversity.

Until then,

I wait. I listen. I breathe. And I will smile from my heart to yours.

Good-bye for now dear friends, as I follow the signs towards Avalon.

Wish me luck. See you soon.

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